The Gollum who stole Christmas
by I-love-Gollum
Summary: Gollum hates christmas in orcville, so he decides to get rid of it once and for all


The Gollum who stole Christmas

All the orcs who lived down in Orcville liked Christmas a lot

But the Gollum who lived in a dank cave in the mountain did not

Gollum hated Christmas for no particular reason

That and spoiling nice fish with taters and season

It could have been that his loin cloth was too tight

Or it could be that thought American consumerism wasn't right

But I think that the most likely reason of all

Was all that time he spent brooding inside dank cave walls

But whatever the reason, loin cloth or dank cave

He brooded on Christmas in hatred and scathe

Staring out from that cave giving passing orcs a protruding evil eye

Flipping them off and wishing they would die

Knowing every orc down in Orcville was busy making bombs

And roasting their ugly orc moms

"They're hanging their siblings," he snarled with a sneer

"Tomorrow is Christmas, precious, it's practically here!"

And as he listened to the sound of orcs drumming

He growled, "We must stop this Christmas from coming!

For their noise interrupts our schizophrenic discussions

While they're killing each other or inflicting concussions

Then all the noise, noise, noise, and halls brightly lit

If there's one thing we hates more than nasty little Bagginses, that's it!"

There was so much noise that poor emaciated Gollum couldn't hear

Just then a sardonic grin spread from ear to pointy ear

He had gotten an idea, one that was sure to win

He knew what to do, but where to begin?

"We'll pretend to be Santa Claus, yes precious we shall"

So he crept through the shadows, sticking close to the wall

Till he found a festively dressed orc with a red suit and hat

And promptly he bit him till the ugly thing lied flat

He pulled off the coat and the hat and put them on right

The clothes were ten times too big, and the hat much too tight

"No matter," he attempted a chuckle, "We look just like Saint Nick"

So he harnessed up a team of tasty fish and set off with a kick

When he arrived the whole village was sleeping

Every child was in their bed unpleasantly reeking

Plugging his nose down the chimneys he slipped

Creeping from house to house, only twice his coat ripped

(sing)

You're a mean one, Mr. Gollum  
You really are a grouse  
You're as cuddly as a stick figure,  
You're a moldy piece of fish, Mr. Gollum.  
You're as emaciated and ugly as a diseased and drowned mouse!

You're a monster, Mr. Gollum,  
Your heart's a century old,  
Your brain is full of precious,  
You've got voices in your head, Mr. Gollum  
I wouldn't touch you if I were wearing a hazmat suit, I'm not that bold!

You're a foul one, Mr. Gollum,  
You've been rotting in your cave  
You have all the sweet aroma  
Of a sweaty mountain troll, Mr. Gollum  
Given the choice between the two of you I'd take troll, you're so depraved!

You're a loony, Mr. Gollum,  
You're the master of filthy plots,  
Your head's a hairless grapefruit  
With gushy pulp inside, Mr. Gollum.  
You're a mystery meat raw fish cafeteria lunch with Samwise tater tots!

You nauseate me, Mr. Gollum,  
Just like Frodo's melodramatic scenes,  
You have ugly bulging eyeballs  
And you kill them tasty rabbits, Mr. Gollum.  
Your soul is an appalling pile of corpses with decapitated orc heads, and mangled up spleens!

You're a rotter, Mr. Gollum,  
You're a nasty wasty spaz,  
You're completely schizophrenic,  
And you argue with yourself, Mr. Gollum.  
The two words that best describe you are as follows, and  
I quote, "Gross, grosser, grossest!"

He stole all their trimmings and boxes and all their lost marbles

But especially fish nets and precious gold baubles

He took all their raw fish and their Old Toby weed

"Only Hobbits smoke that, it's not something orcs need"

He put it all in a sack and up the chimney he stuffed it

And peed in their toilets and never once flushed it

Cleverly he took all their "harmless" play swords

And hung them above beds in their hospital wards

We told you he was vile, but Frodo never believed it

He said he was innocent and threw one of his fits

Guess it would have been better if old Gollum had killed him

But let's not worry about what could have been

Back to that Gollum, where he sneakeded around

Taking their presents silently without a sound

As he was trying to lift a tree twice his weight up the chimney

He heard a small sound, like the gruff voice of ol' Gimli

Wheeling around he spied a warrior orc

It was Cindy Loo Orc who brandished a fork

Gollum pulled out a fish, aimed it straight at its head

It sent the orc running, thirsty, to bed

Now that's what I call tactics of persuasion

He crawled out the chimney, for another invasion

That Gollum went from house to smelly house

Only leaving crumbs big enough for only a louse

Finally he left, satisfied with his loot,

A hundred pounds worth, and a maggot to boot

He picked up the sack but dropped it in utter dismay

It was much too heavy, so despairing he lay

On the cold cavern floor, with not a clue what to do

He whistled for his fish, but they were dead so he ate them too

Then he heard a sound like orcs singing

Which is rather like an off key cow bell clinking

It filled his spirit with Christmas joy

"We shall give back every last toy!"

Suddenly, he morphed into Smeagol

He lifted the bags with the power of ten people

Gollum returned all the loot with another small gift

When the orcs found a time bomb, they were awfully miffed

They flung it back, but it was a day or two late

Gollum was gone, they blew up, it was great!

Gollum blew up the Shire and took over Middle Earth

Started the longest dictatorship, he ruled in absolute mirth

No one ever celebrated Christmas again, he ruled with such an iron fist

And that, Middle Earth, is the story of how the Gollum stole Christmas


End file.
